I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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