Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Is it because I queefed?
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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