do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
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