If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
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