I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
