he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
