3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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