I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
