booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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