im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Randomize
