There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
