Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
