i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
