I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
