Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I just gift wrapped bread.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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