Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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