that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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