Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
