you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
