I wish my penis had an off switch
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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