I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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