I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
