i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
