I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Randomize