I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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