I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
