Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
