I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
