just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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