i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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