omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
