How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
