I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Holy sore nipples Batman
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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