Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
