I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
