don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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