Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
