Welp...herpes.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
