Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i think i have herpe
just one?
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Randomize
