Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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