sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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