There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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