I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
