We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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