i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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