shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
