Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
