you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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