dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
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