I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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