At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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