I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
