hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
Randomize
