Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
