she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
