listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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