who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
