If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
