When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
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