I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
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