The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
