im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
