so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
